You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
You Might Also Like
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
This meeting could have been a cake
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send