Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
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Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
The honesty is refreshing
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
This made me smile…