@sucittaM: Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
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@sonictyrant: "Now that i've completed my teleportation device, the world and its wonders are mine to behold" *Teleports to the nearest taco bell*
@JohnPoveromo: The iWatch is awesome because it's the fastest way to let everyone know you used to have 500 dollars.
@joeljeffrey: I have a stalker now and it's super creepy. She shows up wherever I go... her house, her job, the women's restroom. I don't know what to do.
@CornOnTheGoblin: [at my funeral] ventriloquist: please don't judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this me: hi everybody!