Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
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ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Hmm, not sure about this change
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*