@sucittaM: Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
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@djdarrellripley: Her: I dreamt I was being murdered. Me: Was I the one who was murdering you? Her: No. Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
@Douchekevin: I'm the perfect man if you don't factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
@myonlymizztake: My experience with organized crime was getting two friends to help me tip a vending machine while I reached up inside for chips.
@simoncholland: The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don't work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.