Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
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[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.