@onelongbender: Watching my son's soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I'm a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I'm not a total idiot.
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@stephenjmolloy: Jesus: "BRAINS!" *everyone looks scared* Jesus: "Just kidding! I'm fine, I'm fine."
@daemonic3: Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the "free candy" on my van. *crosses off "candy" and writes "wi-fi"
@VictorscarletJ: Seriously...if you need a sign to remind you to wash your hands after taking a shit or piss. Stay home
@CackleClub: If you've been kind to nature, birds will rescue you through your sunroof in a traffic jam and fly you to their kingdom