I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
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Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
lol
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.