@onelongbender: Watching my son's soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I'm a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I'm not a total idiot.
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@jilltwiss: My best guy friend and I vowed if we’re still single at 45, we def won't marry each other because who wants to marry someone no one likes?
@SirEviscerate: [Lab] Co-worker: "Where's all the microscope oil and acetic acid?" Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
@Brampersandon_: MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea DAD: yup ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I'm Bane lol
@Sickayduh: "Dad, how come we use plastic forks and my friends all have silverware?" - Because they're poor and have to reuse everything. "Pfft losers"