Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
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me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.