[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
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WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.