[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
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Going to church you guys need anything
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.