I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
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me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Well, shit
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.