Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
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Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.