Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
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I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
School be like
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
My friend is an excellent librarian.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.