@ImaFlyontheWall: Watching police ticket people parked incorrectly that are in church right now and understanding that Jesus and karma have a sense of humor
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@danjan13: My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don't think it's weird, it's so clever! My gf 2nd month: listen
@Brianhopecomedy: "Hi, I'd like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please." "$3.23." "Oh, and a bottle of water." "$87.54. Please drive thru."
@daemonic3: [spelling bee] Your word is 'golfed' "May I have it in a sentence please?" Sure. He golfed with a tee. "G-O-L-F-T"