Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
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All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
When you try jalapeños for the first time
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters