[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
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I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Sniffing the broccoli
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Found my door mat
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]