If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
You Might Also Like
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”