Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
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figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.