[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
You Might Also Like
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks