[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
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My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns