HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
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Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end