*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
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I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…