*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
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I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.