I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
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Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.