Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Just as the prophecy foretold
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time