Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
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[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.