Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
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me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced