watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
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I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.