Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
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Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Woke up against my better judgment again
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.