*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
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*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms