[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
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Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I can’t be the only one 😂
I support this random dude and all his protests
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Not messing around
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character