Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
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I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Dance like you’re not the father
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.