[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
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surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”