Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
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perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
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Me: Same.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Oceanography is all about current events
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.