[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
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Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Sing it!
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”