[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
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[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.