*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
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I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.