[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
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cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Fight
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?