[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
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Breaking news:
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.