@CruisinSoozan: Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

@KeetPotato: magician: "think of a letter, any letter" me: "ok" magician: "now double it" me: [visibly confused]

@SuperTeeWhy: [Me, getting hauled out of a bank vault with 1,000 chameleons stapled around my body] "Damn"

@dougbies: Breakfast: 200 calories Lunch: 500 calories Dinner: 800 calories Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

@Stella1070: Started the mower for the 1st time this year.36 pulls & then I passed out.When I came to, yard had crop circles & the beagle had a mohawk.