@dire_beard: [At a child's birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum] I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

@rolldiggity: 1. Put "Out of Order" sign on a staircase. 2. Wait until someone says, "Stairs can't be out of order!" and uses them. 3. Release the bees.

@LaLuchaNix: Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

@dinnersruined: *hands you a marijuana* "This one's called Air Bud. It'll make you play basketball. Also it might turn you into a golden retriever."

@dongfuture: Can you say your strengths? “Your strengths” No like what are they “My legs maybe” No, like for work “Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”