[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
You Might Also Like
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
This will never not be funny 😭
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?