my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
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The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.