[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
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WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.