Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
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[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
We found love in a hopeless place.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen