According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
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For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
This meal prepping shit easy
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆