WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
You Might Also Like
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
There’s never enough good news
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Has science gone too far?
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones