Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
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justin timberlake: lose the āthe.ā just āfacebook.ā itās cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name ā back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): whatās a 7 letter word for evident
him: itās obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldnāt be asking would I
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30ās
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, ravenās breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, Iām making La Croix
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a āconversation,ā you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Very good! šš
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say ābet you wonāt send it backā but our wives made us stop
Every so often Iāll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
60% of Americans? Thatās almost half. š
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist