@causticbob: Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don't know what either of those things are.
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@Jacob_Swift16: Me: do you want to hear what happened to the last guy who threatened me? Bumper cars operator: i meant your time is up, like for the ride
@Coepacetic: At the disco last night. They played twist. I did the twist. They played jump. I jumped. They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
@ClickBaite: Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water ... *Hauntingly second guesses every drink she's ever mixed for me now
@MarfSalvador: [Looking at the vast night sky] Her: What do you think about other life forms? Him: Well *thoughtfully rubs chin* wallabies are shit