Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
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Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Did…did a minotaur write this