“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
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[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
📽️movie date🎞️
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly