*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
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(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh