its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
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Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.