WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.