Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
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My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
I love it all
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.